When the Bundle Arrives but the Joy Doesn’t : My Experience with Postpartum Depression and Anxiety.
- Administrator
- 3 days ago
- 5 min read
“Rachel, she wants you to pick her up, she’s crying” my wife’s voice rang in my ears. ‘I can’t, I don’t know her, I don’t know what she wants, I’ll drop her, she doesn’t like me, I’m dirty, she’ll get poorly from me’, the rapid cycling thoughts shot through my head and I froze. My bundle had arrived, but the joy hadn’t. After being separated from my newborn for the second half of her first 16 days of life, I was depressed, lost and in a constant trauma response state.
I cried in the shower so no one could hear.
The heightened anxiety was a lot to endure, and I didn’t know if I wanted to laugh or cry, or both. I actually did the latter a lot more often, but always in the shower so no one could hear, or at home with just my wife so no one could see.
After a traumatic birth and a week long readmission for sepsis surely I’d be over the moon to be home with my baby, right? Wrong. I wanted to be anywhere but there. I told close family I didn’t think I loved her “of course you do, don’t be silly” were the replies, then the dreaded questions came “how’s the bonding going?”, “don’t you just love her so much?”, “Isn’t she beautiful, don’t you think she’s just the most gorgeous thing you’ve ever seen?” For me, there was just a sense of vacancy......In my mind, my heart, my body.I didn’t feel rushes of love, I didn’t see beauty or cuteness and I didn’t want to hold and coo over my own daughter. The only person who knew the extent of my feelings was my wife; it was a really lonely place to be. “It’ll come” she’d say, whatever “it” was.
Is what I am feeling normal or is it Post Partum Depression?
I didn’t feel I could talk to anyone about how I was feeling so I searched the web looking for support, people with familiar feelings and some reassurance that I wasn’t the worst mother in the world. I wanted to feel differently, I was actively seeking help, surely that meant something? I found some bits here and there, lots of sign posting to perinatal mental health, but I’d heard from friends that acceptance on to the service was scarce due to high demand.
Breaking the Stigma
This is why I’m so passionate about breaking the stigma of there being a gap between expected gratitude and how postpartum mothers actually feel. It shouldn’t be so taboo to say “actually I just don’t feel “it”. It’s completely normal and healthy to not feel on top of the world about your newborn. Some mothers talk about the rush of love, the euphoria after birth, the classic “baby bubble”. I’m sure that is the case for some women and that must be an amazing experience. That’s what people expect and that’s what people want to hear about as that’s just more comfortable for everyone isn’t it? No one wants to hear what I’ve mentioned above, it’s awkward, not spoken about and makes you sound a little unhinged!
One thing that I used to obsess over was that people could “tell” I was not madly, deeply in love and obsessed with my child. From shoppers in Tesco to nurses at her jabs, they all knew that I was a bad mother, I just gave out that vibe. Of course, I didn’t and they didn’t think anything of the sort, they all just coo’d and smiled the same as everyone else who met my daughter. But my brain was playing tricks on me and reinforced the fact that I was a terrible mother, I obviously hated my baby and my baby obviously hated me.
At the height of my post partum depression and anxiety I was experiencing feelings and doing things that I haven’t shared with anyone. I used to double sterilise her bottles, even when I knew my wife had done them. I washed my hands so often my knuckles cracked and bled. I shook her bottles the exact same amount of times otherwise she’d die in her sleep. I used to have vivid images of her being dead, me spilling boiling coffee on her, losing my temper when she was crying and snapping. I was told by my perinatal mental health nurse that was all OCD induced from giving birth. How could I have developed a compulsive disorder just from giving birth?!
But, lest we forget, birth is hard, no matter how you deliver your child, it’s hard. Pregnancy is hard too, you’ve had 9 months of carrying a baby, then you deliver, your hormones crash, you feel like your body is foreign to you and you wonder if you’ll ever feel the same again. Spoiler- you won’t, but you won’t feel the lack of joy either.
I cannot stress this enough, and if anything I’ve written here has resonated with you I’d like to reassure you that you will absolutely get through this and “it” will come. Like my wife said to me, let me say that to you. The not feeling the same again is replaced with feeling more love than you thought possible, more peace, more contentment, more happiness, more resilience, the list goes on.
The Five Month Awakening from Post Partum Depression
I think for me “it”happened about 5 months after I gave birth. I’m six and a half months in now and I could stare at my daughter for hours, they way other people used to do when she was a newborn, when for me it felt awkward.
You are not alone in this, you are normal for feeling this way, you’re a good mother and you do love your child, read that again.
And if you don't believe me listen to Blake.
If you have searched the web like I did and felt guilty doing it don't. Here are just some example of the top searches on Google and Chat GPT from Post Partum Mothers.
Why do I feel sad after having a baby?
Is it normal to cry every day after giving birth?
Why don’t I feel happy after having my baby?
Baby blues or postnatal depression?
How long do the baby anxiety blues last?
Why do I feel like I can’t cope with my baby?
Why do I regret becoming a mother?
Is it normal to miss my old life after having a baby?
• Why don’t I feel like myself postpartum?
We are running a survey about this subject. It is anonymous and would be extremely helpful with my research into Post Partum Anxiety. To take part just click on the button below.
Stay hopeful,
Rachel
Please note
“This is a personal blog sharing my own experiences. It is not counselling, therapy, medical, or psychological advice.”
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