Woman Lost and Found in Motherhood: Mind and Motherhood

Rachel
Aug 9
4 min read

Updated: Aug 10

Recent 2026 research reports that 93% of women experienced a meaningful change in their identity after becoming a mother, while 59% said they felt like a completely different person. (Forbes)

Matresence

Have you ever heard of the word ‘matrescence’? Neither had I. It is from Latin and describes the physiological and identity transition into motherhood. In 2026 searches for this word increased by 5000% following a major awareness campaign by Peanut and Tommee Tippee (Forbes).

After welcoming your bundle of joy have the following thoughts ever crossed your mind? “I don’t know who I am any more, after having a baby”, “Who am I after becoming a mother?”, “Why do I feel like I’m only a Mum?”, “I'm having an identity crisis after having a baby.” If that’s the case, you’re far from alone and it’s completely normal to feel this way. Research suggests that 52-65% reported a loss of identity after giving birth (Yahoo life).

Before you became a Mum, you were just you, probably with a partner, but not always, maybe with a pet, a job, a home. You had Friday nights out with the girls or lazy Sunday lunches with family after a walk with the dog. Leaving the house meant putting on your shoes, grabbing a jacket and leaving. Then, you have a baby and you’re thrown into a world where you don’t matter any more. This tiny, demanding, non communicative being is taking up all of your time. You’re on maternity leave, your social life has taken a nose dive, the dog hasn’t been walked for days and leaving the house is a military exercise involving checklists and more bags and clothes than you used to take for ten days all inclusive in Mallorca.

Let’s take a moment to explore the concept of matrescence (pronounced MAY-truh-sens). It was coined by Dana Raphael in the 1970’s. She used it to drescribe the massive transformation that comes with becoming a mother. It’s often compared to adolescence and describes the process a woman goes through when their baby is born. Adolescence doesn’t happen overnight, it’s a period of time where you emotions, body, relationships and sense of self change over time. Becoming a mother is similar. You become a mother physically within a day, but psychologically and emotionally becoming a mother can take months or even years. In effect you are the woman you lost in motherhood.

The Woman I Lost in Motherhood

There is a huge element of co-existing feelings, such as “I love my baby, but I miss my old life” or “I love my baby, but I miss my pre-baby body.” There are feelings of joy, but also feelings of grief and the transition from woman to mother is not linear. It is definitely not, pregnancy, birth, joy, happiness and motherhood confidence. It can also be, grief, joy, resentment, fear, hopelessness, happiness and exhaustion all at the same time! Matrescence gives women a language for that “What has happened to me?” feeling. You haven’t necessarily lost yourself, you’re finding someone new while integrating the old you along the way.

As women, as mothers we are incredibly strong, we’re resilient to the nth degree and we can put on the strongest of faces in front of our children, even if inside, we’re falling apart. That makes us modern day superheroes in my opinion.

My Personal Identity Emotions

I’d like to share some of my personal feelings and emotions around my identity after having a much longed for baby. In previous blogs I have touched on how (I say lucky) my wife was to have two positive pregnancy tests, two relatively straight forward pregnancies and two beautiful baby boys that I am proud to call my sons. Unfortunately for me I was one of the 1 in 4 whose pregnancy ended in miscarriage and I went through that twice. When I got pregnant for a third time with, my now 7 month old daughter, Blake, I was robbed of the joy. You see two lines on a test and you don’t scream with excitement, you prepare your heart for miscarriage number 3.

There is light ahead keep going.

As my pregnancy progressed and things went well I allowed myself to believe that I was going to have a healthy baby. After all that fear and trepidation, surely I was going to feel nothing other than joy, happiness and motherhood confidence. How wrong was I! I felt hopeless, my wife was more of a natural with our newborn, I wasn’t full of joy, I resented not being able to sleep through the night, I hated my postpartum belly and my hair was falling out at a rate of knots. I loved her, but I didn’t love her. If you know what I mean? I felt so ashamed of these feelings I was having I actually had days that I wished I hadn’t had her. Typing that now, makes me feel sad because I absolutely adore her and couldn’t imagine life without her. I’m sharing this here so that if you feel the same, it’s ok. You will get through it and you will feel like you again.

Life has settled down a bit and I’ve eased in to being a mother of two under 3 year olds and I’m learning to balance my time between my toddler and my baby.

Don’t give up on yourself and don’t be ashamed to share your thoughts and feelings with people you trust. Being a mother is tough, but as a woman, you’re tougher.